December 28, 2016
What a day it’s been.
It was Tucker’s 26th birthday, and we were given some unexpected surprises.
Around noon, we went to Centennial Hospital for our echo-cardiogram test that my doctor recommended. The test used a Doppler scanner to see the direction and blood flow of Caleb’s heart, as well as take measurements and close up pictures of the heart to determine the likelihood of any sort of defect. After my mom had Blake, she completed the same test with all of her subsequent pregnancies, and my doctor thought it would be a good idea for us to do as well.
The ultrasonographer was an older woman named Angie, who was one of the sweetest ladies I have interacted with at a doctor’s office. She was thrilled with Caleb’s position (good job Buddy) because it gave her some really good views of his heart. We watched in real time as his blood flow showed up as blue and red masses moving back and forth from his heart to his surrounding organs. She also measured the chambers, and explained the condition that Blake suffered from (truncus arteriosus), where both arteries fuse into one rather than crossing over one another and operating separately. She showed us the proof that Caleb did not have this particular defect.
A few minutes into the ultrasound, the doctor came in. His presence alone was incredibly caring, professional, and kind. He asked me multiple questions about my pregnancy from day one to now, and was extremely thorough in his explanations of each picture of his heart. He described to us, with the perfect amount of detail, how Caleb is developing, and put to rest any fears lingering about potential affects of medication I took at the beginning of pregnancy. He assured us that all of his essential organs looked good, and gave us more information than we would have expected, in the most easy to understand, careful manner.
To top it all off, they then turned on the 3D imaging feature.
We were already over the moon with this great news, and the thought hadn’t even crossed our minds that they might let us see our baby in 3D today. You have to pay lots of money at boutique imaging centers to see these kind of pictures of your baby- we even saw 3D Caleb in real time for a couple of minutes. At first, Angie tried multiple times to get a good view of his face, only to see that he had both feet AND hands up over his face. The flexible little guy was all curled up and blocking our view. The picture looked like a bunch of little limbs, fingers and toes in the front of the screen with a tiny view of his eye poking out from behind.
He had both the doctor and the sonographer laughing. In fact, every single ultrasound so far (since 15 weeks) he has pulled his feet up to his face.
At one point, he had his feet up, and he was sucking on the back of one of his hands.
Angie was so patient with our little boy. Right when she was about to finish and call it a day, she saw that he had moved his feet away from his face. Immediately, she turned the 3D imaging back on, and said “Nobody move!” as she recorded his movements and captured some more pictures of him. Just like that, we were able to see our baby boy’s face for the first time.
That, in a word, was emotional. What struck me first was how sweet it was to see what his facial features are like. His eyes, which seem to be big like his Daddy’s, were set on his face in a similar manner as his. His lips and nose sort of looked a little more like mine… but then again, it’s still very early. Regardless, we saw him. We saw our baby boy. This picture is so much more personal than the other black and white, 2-dimensional ones. I felt an instant connection to this sweet face, like it’s one that I’ve always known, yet am seeing for the first time. I instantly understood how parents are biased in thinking that their child is the cutest one who ever lived. I, all in one moment, truly became a mom- seeing that face meant that our son was growing into a precious child that we would soon meet face to face.
As we left the office, tears were welling up in both of our eyes. We were just so in awe of the Lord’s goodness toward us, in giving us this gift. A healthy, beautiful son. We had talked through so many scenarios, and somehow the possibility of our child having some type of physical, medical, or developmental disability had been very real to us. We feel inadequate, grateful, and amazed that this little life, from all appearances, is going to have a healthy start. We understand that anything can still happen, but the reassurances of today were invaluable to us.
Just yesterday, I was reading in Luke 2 about how Mary and Joseph went to the temple in Jerusalem to sacrifice 2 doves on behalf of their first-born son, as was the custom for God’s people in that time.
I remembered reading this earlier in my life, and contemplating how my parents’ first born son was taken from this earth, and about how the “firstborn son” is such an integral concept in families over time…
On the way home, Tucker picked his car up from the shop, so we drove the rest of the way home separately. As I pulled into our driveway, with no one else around, I prayed a prayer of thanksgiving. My heart was overwhelmed, and I asked God to please show us how we can sacrifice of ourselves in order to thank him for this gift. I felt as though we needed to do some sort of gesture, some action of thanks, some sacrifice, as His people did under the law back so many years ago. I stated aloud that even though this child was growing inside of me, and was made up of our flesh and blood, he ultimately belongs to Him. He created him, and gave him to us at the perfect time, in His perfect way.
As I went to get out of my car, I felt the Holy Spirit wash over me and communicate that there is nothing you can do or should do to “earn” or to “give back” for the gift we’ve been given. Just as he freely gives us His grace and salvation, he freely gave us this gift, and we are asked merely to accept it joyfully- to accept His undeniable, unfathomable love toward Tucker and me.
He also said, ever so quietly to my spirit, that we must love this baby, and allow others to love him. That is our duty. That is what He asks of us upon receiving this gift, which will in turn bless so many others. We hope and pray that Caleb will touch countless lives, by receiving our love and the love of others first, which will ultimately allow him to love people he will encounter throughout his lifetime.
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