I am sitting, on this cold February day, in a coffee shop, right across from the drive through window that opens and closes periodically, hoping that the latte I ordered will somehow warm my bones.
It is one of those days that just feels a bit restless. There are so many thoughts swirling in my mind, needs of family and friends, thoughts about the future, grateful feelings for a few hours to think while our little one is at his grandmother’s. All of these things are competing with the desire to go home and burrow into our couch with a mass of blankets.
I cannot deny, though, that in the midst of the craziness and unknowns that are facing our family each and every day, that we continue to be pulled into a story that is greater than ourselves.
Back in Franklin, I was drawn into a cause that I was extremely privileged to be a part of, which developed into a dream. A friend and mentor, Paige, introduced me to a method of teaching called Good Shepherd, that encompassed every love that I had in my heart for learning and how to instruct young children. I found out that there was so much left for me to learn, and that I could be opened up to new passions and joys within the realm of education. I saw how I wished every single human on this earth could have been taught about Jesus as a child, including myself. I was to be a part of the unfolding of a vision for a brand new school, and then, as I came to find out, the vision was SO much greater than me, or her, or the small group of women that trained together to pursue this vision. I can’t wait to see what comes out of the work being done at our previous church, with those incredible people.
I would have never expected that I would move away shortly after being trained, and that things would unfold so differently. I can see now, that God may give us a dream, but that the timeline doesn’t always follow the way that you would expect. Our duty, as difficult as it may be, is to remain obedient, even if things do not make sense to us at the moment.
So now, we are here. Settled in, developing routines, slowly getting to know our new neighborhood and community. As we acclimate to our new, yet familiar city, we are grateful beyond words that we are near to our families. Our God has so meticulously arranged our steps in the past several months, allowing us to keep our hearts in one piece. To be near to the ones we love so dearly in a time where nearness is truly needed for all of us: that is a gift that only He could have given.
As many of our friends and family already know, one of the most ambitious and exciting dreams that have formed for our family is that of adoption. This hope was planted into our hearts almost two years ago, and the timeline has been very different than we initially understood.
Caleb came along ten months ago and taught me what it means to be a mother. He has helped us to establish the beginnings of our family unit, and allowed our lives to be shaped around the pursuit of growing our family. He showed me what it feels like to carry a little life inside of me for nine months, and what it takes to sustain that life.
I now understand the weight of what being a mom is. It is a weighty, weighty, thing. To imagine that we could be raising another woman’s child actually breaks my heart and makes me hesitate to commit to such a task. Because in a perfect world, every mother would have the ability to raise her own child, love them with all their heart, and follow the natural course of events that go along with being a mom. And then, I wonder, who am I to have been given the ability to not only raise our own son, but to adopt another life into our family?
I do not say these things to try to ‘prove’ my intentions in any way. In fact, I believe that God is showing us that what we are going to receive is a good gift, and that despite our fears or hesitations, He will empower us to carry out His plan for His children.
I am anxious, and slightly in awe. We are in a place where we are given the opportunity to step into this beautiful yet tragic act that is adoption. There is a child who is meant to be ours, who is not of our own blood, and we are in the beginning stages of being led to him or her.
Our hope is that we would be obedient, steadfast, and courageous as we walk through this. No matter what changes come along the way, we know that our God is going before us; just as He is going before my dad as he fights the greatest fight of his life.
There have been previous times in which I could sense that the Lord was moving in big ways within our family. Before Caleb was born, before we made the decision to move back to Alabama, there was this stirring within us that we were meant to grab ahold of whatever major life change was in store. Now, I am preparing to make our first phone call to a domestic adoption specialist. I can’t, of course, promise a timeline to anyone who is curious. We are just taking the next step in this unpredictable, crazy life, holding our Father’s hand, seeking out our next great adventure.
Photo by Eric Froehling on Unsplash
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