A year ago today, our family was in the midst of an intense storm. As I watch dark clouds begin to gather outside of my window now, it reminds me of the way those few weeks felt, culminating on the night of Halloween.
My dad had been having troubling symptoms, went to multiple doctors, and eventually had his endoscopy done in mid-October. We were given the news that he was going to be fine, that nothing had shown up as cancerous. But the fact that his gastroenterologist was adamant about having another look continued to linger in the back of our minds.
On the morning of October 31, 2017, a deeper biopsy showed what we had feared most: a rare form of aggressive stomach cancer.
For me specifically, that day was sort of a blur. As I find out about many more friends and family that are encountering days similar to this, I remember how broken this world truly is. No one is meant to have to face news like this, whether it is about yourself and your own life, or the life of a loved one.
It was mid-morning, and Tucker called me while I was putting Caleb down for a nap. All I knew to do was cry. Unknowns are hard. You not only worry about the life of the one who was diagnosed, but for all of the other ones involved who are also hurting. There were two concrete things I could cling to: I knew my dad was strong, and that his faith had become more real than ever before shortly before he began to have any symptoms of illness.
We were planning to drive home the following day, and really just felt unsure of what to do next. Ultimately we determined to keep our plans with friends that evening, to walk around and go trick or treating. It almost felt better to just stay busy. I talked to my good friend whose dad was going through the same situation. She said she would be over as soon as I was ready to have her company. She understood exactly what I was going through that day.
Those next couple of hours alone were critical for me. As a person who needs time to process anything internally, I used this time to let out my frustration, fears, and pleas to God. He listened. He wrapped me up. But He didn’t promise that it would just go away, or get easier.
It was our baby boy’s first Halloween, and we were in the midst of what was to be a major transition for our little family. Our house was for sale, and we were searching for a new home in Madison, Alabama, near our families.
The weather was particularly cold that day, so while Caleb napped upstairs, I went to turn on the fire and sat on the hearth while I prayed. The warmth on my back was comforting, and seemed to feel like the only sure thing in that moment.
Our gas fireplace was one that you had to manually open the shoot before igniting it. As you can imagine, my mind was whirling with a million thoughts, and I didn’t do that. There were no open windows or doors.
About an hour and a half later, Tucker pulls into the driveway unexpectedly. He left work so that he could come home and just be with me. As soon as he opened the door, he smelled the gas. He turned off the fire, and opened some doors and windows. It’s funny, how you can be so consumed in your thoughts that you neglect something so basic and fail to realize the state of the things around you. I’m so grateful for God’s hand in every part of that day, however small.
So now, we are here. One year later. I dropped Caleb off at Mimi and Grandad’s for a little while this morning. They took him to their neighborhood park, and pulled him around in the wagon. Tonight, they along with the rest of the family, and some of our ‘new’ neighbors, will spend time together, in joy and remembrance.
We really are aware, and try not to take for granted the fact that he is with us today. Today. Every day is a treasure with the ones we love- things can change at any moment; in fact, they will change. And we all have a beginning and an end here on earth. The good news is, when we do meet our ‘end’ here, it is only the doorway to the most real, true, life. Life greater than any we can comprehend with our human minds.
I hope that I can focus today on the promises that have already been fulfilled by our God. The big promises and the seemingly small ones. He gives us new life, and he cares for our most intricate needs.
I hope that we can see the bigger picture of His grace and His glory, which is so much greater than the pain, suffering, and darkness.
1 John 1:5: “This is the message we have heard from him and declare to you: God is light; in him there is no darkness at all.”
John 1: 4-5: “In him was life, and that life was the light of all mankind. The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.”
Today marks a day that the darkness tried to taint forever in our minds. But we won’t have it. We will choose joy, and give thanks for what the Lord has given to us. Because he has surely given much.
Photo by Curtis MacNewton on Unsplash
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