This is a story of God’s faithfulness.
In this life, we are confined to a limited understanding of the great expanse of God’s plan. We have forces of good and evil at play in every moment, every circumstance. In the midst of difficulty, the unknowns that surround us may cause us to despair… but they also draw us nearer to Him. Sometimes, as years pass, we receive validation of His goodness that prevails despite the darkness He has brought us through.
My parents experienced a darkness that I may never be able to comprehend fully. They lost their first baby. A beautiful two-month-old baby boy who happened to be born with a heart defect. If you are reading this and know my mom and dad, you know that this experience shaped who they are today. You would also know that they relied on the Lord to continue on with their lives, as impossible as it must have seemed at the time. They have since been able to connect and minister to other couples who have lost a child to similar causes.
There are countless stories surrounding this time in my parents’ journey. Like how my grandfather, my brother’s namesake, quietly provided his comfort and love throughout my brother’s short life, from birth to his final surgery. The way my extended family wrapped my parents in their arms and cared for them through the difficulties is inspirational to me. They still do these things to this day, particularly on holidays and his birthday, September 11th.
My mom told me about Blake when I was very young. She explained that I have a brother in heaven who was only with them for a few short months as a baby. I could understand this to some degree, but this I do remember clearly. She explained that if he would have lived, I likely would not have been born, based on the timing. In those early years, I pondered the meaning of the sequence of life, and why God put me on this earth. I now know that because of this loss, my parents immediately tried again to have a child, and miraculously I was born almost exactly a year later. Two years later, my sister Olivia was born, and six years after that, Emma arrived. All perfectly healthy babies.
I still wonder why it was that God allowed him to leave so quickly and then created me shortly afterwards. I’ve always felt that I have a guardian angel waiting on me, and all of us, to join him one day. My parents sometimes tell a story about when they first took me to Blake’s grave. I was a still a newborn, in my car seat in the back. When they opened the car door, I kicked and smiled with all my might. My parents describe this as a moment filled with God’s presence, representing the fact that their first baby hadn’t truly left them.
I’ve often thought about what it would have been like to grow up with an older brother. I even had a chance to have a best friend throughout grade school, named Blake, who lived next door. He happened to be one year older than me. I wondered how often my mom pondered these things when she saw us together.
Now, as an adult, married and living a life of my own, I have a slightly more accurate perspective on what my parents, specifically my mom, went through. After approximately the same amount of time my mom and dad tried to conceive their first, we were blessed with the incredible news that we will be having a child of our own.
The excitement and anticipation for the hope of your first child is something that cannot be matched. As our baby has grown inside of me, I have imagined that my mom probably felt all of the same feelings with Blake. She and my dad must have been just as thrilled, anticipating the trajectory of their lives to include this new life, as we are now. Our close-knit families have shared in our joy, and have already supported us more than we could have asked for. Our lives have been changed forever. Being a soon-to-be mom has given me this new outlook on my family, and on how truly devastating the loss of a child can be.
A week ago, we found out that we are expecting a boy: the first child on my side of the family. Like my mom, I am the oldest of three girls, oldest child on her side, and am similar to her in more ways than I can count.
As Tucker and I discussed what to name our baby boy, Blake became an obvious choice.
Our son, Caleb Blake Burke will be carrying on the legacy of Richard Blake Butler. We are humbled to be the ones bringing him into this world; a boy who we pray will bring life, healing and love to all who know him.
Our God is good. He is orchestrating every part of this narrative, and we merely get to be participants in His good works.
Artwork by Leslie Lockhart Fine Art, painted for our family
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