To Live Again

In this post, Jodie intricately puts into words the story of her family’s adoption. She and her family so beautifully model the process of learning to lay down their lives for another, and about how following God often leads you to unexpected places that are ultimately exactly where you needed to be.

In my dream was a child drowning. 

Out of waters that were too deep for him, he was lifted to safety by strong hands that appeared from the murky darkness. The next morning I read the following passage in my daily reading plan and penciled “3/31/08 adoption dream” in the margin of my Bible. 

“The waves of death surrounded me;

The floods of destruction swept over me.

The grave wrapped its ropes around me;

Death itself stared me in the face.

But in my distress I cried out to the Lord;

Yes, I called to my God for help.

He heard me from his sanctuary;

My cry reached his ears.

He reached down from heaven and rescued me;

He drew me out of deep waters.

He delivered me from my powerful enemies,

From those who hated me and were too strong for me.

They attacked me at a moment when I was weakest,

But the Lord upheld me.

(2 Samuel 22: 5-7, 17-19)

At this point in our adoption journey, our family of five had been living in Tianjin, China for 12 years and it had been 9 months since we had officially submitted our dossier to Beijing. We had just begun to pray for the specific desire God had placed upon our hearts: two siblings from Gansu province. 

If we knew how long we would end up waiting, I’m not postitive we would have embarked on the adoption journey at all. Maybe it was best that God showed us only one step at a time.

Five and a half years after my dream (when our oldest had just left China for the US on his own to start college), we were finally matched with our boys David and Daniel, not biological brothers but considered “like brothers” because they had grown up in the Lanzhou orphanage together. 

Then came a sharp turn in our path. 

Just two days after celebrating our long-awaited match with them, we received news that Daniel was in the hospital with a severe brain infection. He had been in a coma for 6 days with high fever and frequent seizures, and it was unclear what kind of recovery he would make. 

After some persuasion, the orphanage director granted us permission to visit him in the hospital, which was just down the street from where we were living, and we were able to witness his early recovery. Seeing him lying flat on the hospital bed with open eyes but not responsive brought the passage of my adoption dream to mind. 

The waves of death surrounded me;

The floods of destruction swept over me.

The grave wrapped its ropes around me;

Death itself stared me in the face.

God had already reached down with His strong hands to rescue Daniel from the deep waters of his coma. And I prayed that He would continue to bring him back to full consciousness and restore all of his functions that had been lost.

When we brought our two boys home one month later, we were still very unsure how much of Daniel God would bring back to life.

During that time, we happened to record some video clips that show the remarkable change Daniel experienced during his first two months at home.  

But in my distress I cried out to the Lord;

Yes, I called to my God for help.

He heard me from his sanctuary;

My cry reached his ears.

One and a half years later, at a swimming pool in Thailand, Daniel impulsively took off his inflatable ring in the deep end because he felt that he could swim. Our daughter was with him but someone from across the pool had just called her name so her attention was diverted. 

A stranger happened to be watching from his lounge chair and immediately jumped in when Daniel went down into the deep water and didn’t come back up.

In that brief moment which could have been a tragedy, God used a man we didn’t even know to draw Daniel out of water that was too deep for him. 

He reached down from heaven and rescued me;

He drew me out of deep waters.

Last fall Daniel started middle school and we started seeing various declines in his health that worried us. In September, I wrestled with God during a soul care retreat and journaled these thoughts about Daniel:

Cocoon

Withdrawn

Unsure

Waiting

Worried

Is it up to me

To be sure he emerges

What if he doesn’t

Regression

Dependence

Beloved

On that retreat I also wrote: “I would not have chosen this path for Daniel—but You didn’t give me that choice to make. I am choosing right now to stop resisting Your plans—even if that means regression in the future. You have committed to never leave Daniel and I believe that. You will never leave me either. I’m trusting You with future courage and comfort in walking this unknown path. There will be seeds that flower in righteousness. You are the one who causes the growth. I am available to You to use me as You wish. Your servant. It’s an honor to be Daniel’s mom. He is Your beloved son in whom You are well-pleased.”

As the fall turned into winter, we knew something was wrong and was getting worse, but we didn’t know what it was. In January the hidden became known and we discovered Daniel had a sizable but treatable brain tumor (the oncologist guessed it had been growing for about 6 months).

Two months now, since that emergency room visit which led to the cancer discovery, Daniel is more alive than he has been in a long time. He is no longer withdrawn, weak, and fragile like I journaled in September. His appetite is back and he’s gained 13 pounds since he first entered the hospital!

While it hasn’t been easy to see him going through chemo and it’s side effects, on the flip side it’s been incredibly encouraging to see him thriving in his faith. He remembers how God rescued him from his brain infection when he could have died. And he has verbalized that because he has seen God help him with his memory struggles–the most challenging result of his brain infection–he is better able to trust Him in his fight against cancer. 

Daniel’s foundation of faith is growing even deeper than the deep waters he has found himself in. And his faith has been helping me to trust God more too. 

Daniel knows God as His Rescuer. 

The One who has lifted him from the deep waters of death. 

And brought him back to life. 

He delivered me from my powerful enemies,

From those who hated me and were too strong for me.

They attacked me at a moment when I was weakest,

But the Lord upheld me.

To live again.

And again.

And now, as I think back to the adoption dream God gave me twelve years ago, I can see Him transforming it into a different kind of vision.

A child will lead us.

Six and a half years ago, when we visited our boys at the orphanage, and saw Daniel working hard in a therapy session to relearn how to walk, the seed of a new vision was planted : A child will lead us.

With his courage. With his faith. With his example. With his determination. With his simplicity. With his joy. With his belovedness.

Adoption has changed us. And continues to change us every day. Our challenge is not so much about how we will lead our children as it is about how we will be led.

I’ve come to see that adoption is not about saving a child but about learning how to be saved.